Monday, April 16, 2012

Are You Really A BBW

If anything you are about to read offends you, I sincerely do not care! This simply must be said and I refuse to apologize! Sensitivity is the enemy of honesty! And on this subject, we are in dire need of honesty. Ladies! We need to seriously address the meaning of "Big Beautiful Woman"! If you've ever looked at the Personals section of the Classified Ads or on craigslist, you know that there seem to be a lot of BBWs out there in the world looking for love... or even just a quick hookup! But let us ask ourselves if "BBW" is an honest self description... particularly if you have or are planning on using it!

Now let's be clear, I'm not bashing big girls! I have no problem with a big girl thinking of herself as beautiful! Truth be told, as often as not, they are good lookin'! Of course, that previous sentence is a universal truth of women from every culture, of every color, or any size! Let's face this fact also. As a man, objectively assessing the aesthetic appeal of women boils down whether or not I would have sex with her. Setting aside the issue of me being just this side of desperate, I like to think of myself as being capable of that kind of objectivity! And in my objective opinion, there are skinny women who I'd have sex with and skinny women I wouldn't spend five minutes with if I could help it! The same applies to curvy girls, thick chicks, big girls, and even fatties! I saw one of those captioned photos one time that said something along the lines of "Gigantic Tits: God's consolation prize to fat girls." And while beauty isn't defined solely by tits and ass... you've got to admit, they are an asset found in abundance among big girls! "Their cups runneth over", if you will! But as I said, that can't be the sole determining factor of whether or not a "BBW" can call herself beautiful. I assert that a pretty face is just as important! And if I'm objectively assessing the beauty of self-professed BBWs, there is a disturbingly high number of women who look like they fell from the top of the ugly tree and hit every branch face first on the way down! I'm all for self confidence, and being comfortable in your own skin and all that jazz, but not at the expense of honesty!

We live in a society that tries so hard to drill self esteem into us from a young age that I fear it has eroded our ability to tell the truth about ourselves. This is the essence of my problem with the term, "BBW". Let's look at it like this. Brad Pitt is handsome, Blair Underwood is handsome, Adrian Brody is a weird looking motherfucker. If you're wondering how I would describe myself, I'd probably say something like, "I'm not bad lookin'!" Ridiculously Photogenic Guy I am not! I recognize my flaws! That doesn't mean I'm going to call myself a fat, ugly, crooked toothed dump! But I'm also not going to go around with the attitude that I am the best looking man in the world. You can be a big woman. At the same time you can be a smart woman, and a good woman, and a strong woman, and yes, even a beautiful woman. But it seems to me that more often than not, a woman who would describe herself as a "BBW" thinks she's beautiful because she's big. Now, if that doesn't apply to you, you really shouldn't be at all offended by anything you've read so far, because that is the specific group that irked me enough to prompt this (somewhat stream of consciousness) diatribe. So can we all just agree that being big doesn't automatically make you a Big Beautiful Woman!? And if we're honest with ourselves, are you really a BBW?

Monday, April 9, 2012

Men Are Talking

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus! An inocuous cliche meant to illustrate that men and women are different, or more specifically that we communicate differently! If only I had a writing partner of the opposite gender so that this blog post could compare and contrast! Alas, I'm just a guy and, in all fairness, I can only speak with any authority on the male half of this particular subject! So, if you will indulge, I'd like to explain how men communicate (at least in my experience). It boils down to this: Every man will communicate with other men in one of four ways; Concurrence, Argument, One-Upmanship and Insults. 

First, Concurrence! This is the only time when the discourse between men is consistently civil. We agree with each other! Thus, we will offer, in turn, points supporting the premise upon which we agree or give our assent to the points offered by another! Allow me to provide you with some sample dialogue to illustrate this particular mode of male communication!

Male #1: The University of South Carolina Fighting Gamecocks have the best football team in college football!

Male #2: We do have the best coach ever!

Male #1: True! Numbers are fine and all, but I'd bet Steve Spurrier could coach circles around Bear Bryant!

Male #2: I would love to see them go head to head!

Male #1: And don't forget, we've got the best in-state talent coming to our team each year!

Male #2: Oh yeah! And if you want proof, just look at our record the past three years against our in-state rivals whom I refuse to call by name!

Male #1: LOL! Yeah! They have inapporpriate relationships with siblings and cattle!

Male #2: LOL! That's funny! But, to the original point! Let's not forget that in addition to superior players and coaching staff, we are far and away the better fan base!

Male #1: Indeed!

There's not much else to say on this point! There are times when men agree! Conversely, there are times when men disagree! This usually begins as cordially as an agreement, and in good friendships or "polite company" will remain so. However, when the argument is heated, or the personalities of the men involved in the argument clash, it will usually devolve into another category of male communication, namely "Insults"... or into physical violence! But let us not assume that insults are exclusively the domain of men who do not like each other! Even between friends, it is not uncommon to hear a barrage of insults. For this example, I'd like to share a conversation that I will not admit to taking part in, but I will assure you that it actually happened...more or less! Well, the gist of it anyway... perhaps over the course of multiple conversations....anyway!

Male #1: I liked you better when you were fat, you skinny bastard!

Male #2: I liked you better when you had a good excuse to be living with your parents!

Male #1: At least I don't have pepperoni nipples!

Male #2: Pepperoni nipples or not, at least I have a girlfriend!

Male #3: Could be worse... Male #1 could be wearing aviator a douche!

Male #2: Oh! Hey! I thought you would be talking on the phone with your wife for the next five hours! How's that jar with your testicles in it?

Male #3: At least I'm getting sex on a (semi-) regular basis!

Male #2: I choose not to have sex! Male #1 couldn't get laid if he tried!

Male #1: Be glad I don't! The stories of how I satisfy women might tempt your women to stray!

Male #2 and Male #3 [in unison] : I call BULLSHIT!

Now, let me be clear (to borrow a phrase), these three men are friends...and are still friends afterwards! Insults just seem to be a part of male communication. As much so as One-Upmanship!

One-Upmanship, for clarification, is the practice of a male telling a story about something he has done/witnessed or performing some physical feat of strength/skill only to be followed by another male telling a story of something more extreme that he has done/witnessed or performing a bigger/better physical feat of strength/skill. This usually goes back and forth until one male is unable to tell a better/more extreme story or is physically defeated or otherwise injured.  Essentially, it is a slightly more evolved version of rams butting heads or lions roaring at one another or gorillas pounding their chests! It is the means by which a group of men establishes their hierarchy. This pecking order is often determined by arm wrestling contests and/or the telling of "drinking stories" or tales of sexual conquest! It is by these means that even the lowliest individual in terms of objective success in life can maintain his value and standing among his peer group! It is the equivalent of ancient man saying, for example, "Yes, my cave is small and smells bad! Yes my woman is larger and hairier than yours! And yes, my fire is small and weak! But remember, I killed that sabretooth tiger with my bare hands, ate all of its flesh in one sitting, and look how its hide makes a most elegant cape! Not to mention how its skull now serves as an awesome mug!"

Concurrence, Argument, Insults and One-Upmanship! All communication between men falls into one of these four categories! And if you think it doesn't I challenge you to say so in the comments... where I will be more than happy to Argue with you...and probably Insult you while I'm at it!

Sunday, April 1, 2012


Boobs, Knockers, Melons, Fun Bags, Sweater Puppies, Chest Cushions, Gazongas! Whatever you call em, Breasts are awesome! And I don't just like Tig Ole' Bitties! I like em big, small, perky, "vine-ripened" and everything in between. That being said, like any discerning connoisseur there are certain qualities that appear in the full range of Milk Makers that I have a personal appreciation of! In other words, there's some stuff I really enjoy about a nice pair of Hooters! And what better place to discuss this than in a blog post on the Internets! I mean, it really is about half full of Titties anyway, right!? And just as a heads up, while I will be referencing a number stars of pornographic movies as examples, this should in no way be understood to be an endorsement! "My Favorite Porn Star(s)" is definitely going to be a separate blog post!

Now, as I said before, size isn't so much a big deal for me! While the prevailing wisdom seems to be that "bigger is better" I generally prefer "natural" breasts! More often than not, women don't naturally have DD, or E, or F, or J cup sized breasts. A small C cup or even a nice B cup are actually far more attractive to me than cartoon sized implants! Mind you, I'm not saying I haven't enjoyed images of Tiffany Towers or Wendy Whoppers from time to time! But far and away I prefer natural breasts. The truth of the matter is that bigger breasts are usually accompanied by bigger everything else! As far as I'm concerned, that is definitely NOT a bad thing. I must admit that while I have this great affinity for boobies, I am definitely an ass man...or more specifically a leg man (enjoying everything between the ankles and the waist). So when I'm looking for big tits, I am more than happy to find Amazonian women like the 5'10" Gianna Michaels (34DD) or a woman with "a little extra cushion for the pushin'" like Brandy Talore (36DD).  But smaller, natural breasts are equally as enjoyable. In fact, I almost lament when a porn star gets implants. I'm kind of a hipster in that, "Oh, her earlier pre-boob job work was totally better!" kind of way. Sophie Dee and Katja Kassin made their names before getting implants... mostly by having big round asses, but still! I liked them with small breasts just the same!

Of course, as with every rule, there is an exception. In my case, that exception is Kagney Linn Karter. I would argue that she has the best fake tits in porn. To that point, I don't begrudge any woman who chooses to get implants! If you still want them even though the man/men in your life say that you look incredible without them, or because he doesn't (let's face it, I can't be all places all the time), or whatever reasons you might have... go for it! But personally, no matter how good you might look in your clothes, the scars around your nipples or under the boob, don't really do it for me! Yet another exception, if you've had a mastectomy and you want your "womanly figure" back... I don't suppose you have anything to lose by getting implants! The same goes for other medical issues. I've known a handful of women who were quite busty... so much so that it resulted in back pain and what have you. And while I (and most straight guys that knew these women) wept at the thought, breast reductions really were their best bet at a happy life! And that, I think, is the bottom line when discussing any surgery involving breasts. Ladies, the happiness of those around you should be less important than your own! (But only when we're talking about breast surgeries, now go make me a sammich!)

Another thing I really enjoy about breasts is the nipples! On this subject, I've got two words for ya, "Pencil Eraser"! Again, this is all my own personal preferences, but it just doesn't get better than that! Whether or not they're pierced doesn't make a whole lot of difference to me, but if it increases your sensation, that's cool cuz you know I'm gonna suck on em! Pencil Eraser Nipples, the reason God invented cool springtime breezes and the freezer section at the supermarket! (*DING* "Turkey's Done!") Now, in this area you generally have two other options. The first being the puffy nipple which I don't like so much! At least in my mind I've associated it with that whole "barely legal" teen fetish thing which I'm not a huge fan of. Mostly because I'm not thrilled about the possibility of having to utter the words, "I swear she told me she was 18, officer!" But also because I really do enjoy that "pencil eraser"... perhaps a bit too much. The other option is the GIANT areola! I know you accept a certain variation in size, generally corresponding to the size of the breast, but if it's too big to fit in my mouth, chances are it's too big for me to find attractive!

Squeezable, Squishable, Huggable, Kissable,  Marvelously Malleable, Mashable, Motorboat-able Mammaries! I do love em! Do you? Tell me about it in the comments! and while I'm cool with a certain degree of "  graphic"  , let's try to be respectful, yeah!?