Saturday, July 21, 2012

Down The Rabbit Hole

Being online (constantly) does three things. First, it gives you superpowers. Second, and in a most ironic fashion, it cuts you off from the rest of humanity. Third, and the thrust of this post, it destroys all sense of normalcy. Once upon a time, if you wanted to see something new you had to go out into the world and look for it. This did two things. It forced interaction with the world and the people who inhabit it, and it ultimately gave you what you were looking for... something new. But you had to go looking for something relatively specific, drawn from your own desires and urges. With the Internet, we have access to so many things which are new to us, that it becomes less about what we WANT to find and more about the finding. Time and time again I've fallen down what I like to call "Rabbit Holes." Vortexes of YouTube videos about: pole dancing, soccer chants, comedians, funny animations, action movie fight scenes, collections of quotes both funny and inspirational, Comic Con panels, driving, and the antics of cute animals. But more insidious than all of this is the vortex of porn!

Story Time

So, I thought I'd try something a bit different! While the ideas for two series' of novels have been rattling around in my head for years, I recently fell into a train of thought that branched off a little. It's not a particularly short story... but I thought I'd just share it here. At least I could get something out of my head for a change! And, maybe it will prompt me to make some progress with the "big" stories. I'm not exactly sure how I'm going to go about this... I may experiment some... so please bear with me!

But don't worry! I still intend to write the randomly inspired blog posts you've come to expect from me. And, with any luck, you'll even get them more regularly! For now, all I'm going to say about it is that I'm call ing this little project "The Dome"... I imagine it's going to be pretty heavy on dialogue (since that's what I really need practice with)... and if I ever get around to publishing the aforementioned novels, the crossroads of ideas will be evident to those of you who do me the honor of indulging me in this little exercise. 

Expect the first installment... (is this going to be in "installments"?... is "installments" really pretentious?) next week!

Sunday, July 1, 2012

New vs. Important

I have long been of the belief that I had nothing important to say. Anything I might wish to express has already been said... and been said better, by someone else. If I took the time to memorize some of the famous quote websites that I like to peruse from time to time, I think I could go the rest of my life without uttering an original thought. I've mentioned before that I'm also trying to write a novel, and I am plagued by the thought that I may have no original ideas for a work of fiction that someone might want to read.  But I realized something the other day. As I considered what to write next for this blog, it occurred to me that even though nothing I've written is a particularly unique opinion, the things I write here are still my opinions. So I thought I might explore the operative difference between what's New vs. what's Important. [hence title]

There is a brilliant video series called Everything Is A Remix that eases my concerns. I encourage you to watch it for yourselves. But, to summarize, the videos essentially make the case that almost nothing is original. It's all derivative and enhanced and modified from some earlier concept. If you need proof, just look at the roster of Hollywood movies coming out this year: re-envisionings of Spider-Man, Total Recall, Judge Dredd (two of which began as comic books), Django Unchained. Sequels like Taken 2, The Expendables 2 and new installments of the Resident Evil movie series (which began as a video game), Ice Age, Christopher Nolan's Batman, Paranormal Activity, a new James Bond movie, a new Jason Bourne movie (sans Matt Damon), The Hobbit... well, you get the idea! What about technology!? All credit to Star Trek in this one! Communicators inspired flip phones, the iPad!? Yeah, just watch an episode of The Next Generation...there's tons of em, just laying around.  Even The Holy Bible is a bit derivative. Noah and his flood sounds a lot like a story found on some Sumerian clay tablets (predating the advent of Christianity by, oh I don't know, A LOT). Elements of the story of Jesus bear a striking resemblance to stories about Hercules. I don't know how many stories about kids born to "virgin" mothers and being the sons of God/gods there are... but I'm pretty sure the Greeks and Romans used to write about that quite frequently. Nephilim, the offspring of angels and human women, also appear in The Bible... not all that disimilar from demi-gods... I'm just sayin!  Now that's not to say there aren't some "new" things out there. But even they probably trace back to something.

So, if every idea has already been had... how do you create something new? Well, that's just it! You don't! It's all a giant game of Telephone (or Chinese Whispers for you Brits... and less politically correct). You just retell the same story... it changes, sometimes imperceptably, sometimes radically, but it does change! It may seem a lot like another story...but there's an element that's unique to the creator. The same holds true for opinions. I love The University of South Carolina. I'm not alone in that but, my opinion is built on my experiences... and while those experiences may be similar to those of many others, they are still mine and mine alone! Only the limitations of language account for me loving my alma mater for the exact same reasons as someone else!

Which only leaves the matter of importance. Let's just go back through my earlier examples. The movies: they might not be new, but that doesn't mean they aren't enjoyable. And in the grand scheme of things, that's all they NEED to be. Beyond that, they might expose someone to the "original" or the source material, and thereby give that person further enjoyment or enrich their lives in some way. Perhaps even inspire some new idea or prompt serious thought on an issue. The tech: well, Star Trek in general gives us something to shoot for/ aspire to. And, I fully expect to be in a holodeck simulation before I die! The Bible: ... just because the story isn't unique, doesn't make the lessons any less important.  

A conclusion!? I suppose in the case of New vs. Important... Important wins... and important is decided by the individual. This blog is definitely important to me! While it is... generally "directionless" (by design), it's definitely not pointless! As social creatures, humans are driven to communicate with one another. This is how I've chosen to communicate with you... at least about some things. Thanks, by the way, for taking the time to "listen". Feel free to communicate back by leaving a comment. 

Saturday, June 23, 2012

Harnessing Creativity

When I was a young man, about eight years old, I got a report card with good grades (A's and B's) but, in the comment section my teacher noted that I had "difficulty with problem solving". And damn near twenty years later, I still do! A simple (and fictional) example of what I mean:

As a child, if you had asked me to put the Legos away I would have arrived at the conclusion that I couldn't do it. Follow the reasoning if you will. I would look at the little plastic blocks and get it in my head, that I could just dump them all in the bucket and put the bucket on the shelf... OR I could separate them by color and then stack them according to size on one of those flat green pieces you'd use for grass and put the slanted ones at the top and then place each stack on the shelf...but there's not enough space on the shelf...but if I moved the books somewhere... where can I move the books... there's no place to move the books, so there's no place to put my Lego stacks which means I can't do it... besides, it would take forever to make my color separated Lego stacks and it's story time and I don't want to miss the story, it's Clifford the Big Red Dog! So, I can't put the Legos away! All of that, when the course of action that was desired was to just dump all the damn Legos in the bucket and put the damn bucket on the damn shelf! 

Now, I'm sure it was just a bit more complicated when I got that report card, but the point is, I've always looked at even the simplest task and instead of taking the most straightforward path to accomplishing it, my mind went off on tangents of other ways to achieve my proposed goal. Sometimes I would rationalize this odd little idiosyncrasy by insisting that the proposed (unnecessarily difficult) method was more thorough, or neater, or would yield some unforeseen future benefit. Since then, I've gotten a little better. I still sometimes consider Rube Goldberg-ian solutions, but I have learned to redirect my mind to the simpler path for most tasks! The one place where I still haven't managed to apply that skill is in my writing. You see how long it's taken to get to this point! I've written before about my difficulty in choosing "first words"! But even more difficult, is figuring out WHEN to write.

Let us consider when I tweet most! Aside from live tweeting University of South Carolina athletics, it's usually in the middle of the night! On one hand, I'm having ideas that I deem worthy of being shared. In all fairness, I'm surprised those late night tweets don't consist primarily of gibberish, so their worth is a bit dubious. But setting that aside, I do tweet late at night. Even this is being written right around midnight! On the other hand, few if any of those tweets are ever read by human eyes. It's fair to assume that most of my twitter followers are living in America...although this blog has gotten some reads from Aussies and other interesting places around the world (for which I'm grateful) so it's possible somebody reads those tweets. (BTW! I always encourage you to look back through my twitter feed... you might be surprised by what you find there). The point is, I can't seem to tweet during the day! Writing anything at all in the light of day is difficult for me and I don't know why! So how do I go about replicating the psychological circumstances that lead to these little sprees of thought and thus allow myself to compose my thoughts in written form whenever I wish? 

Truth be told, I keep a list sitting on my desk of possible blog post topics. Now, they're not all gems, but there are about thirteen topics on the list right now! Some of those ideas are, "A Case For Eugenics", "The Politics of Nostalgia" and "Porn Star Moves". I usually have these ideas at work, or while I'm out somewhere and I think them out only to the point that I decide that I could write something of sufficient length and adequate content. Then I add the idea to the list and I don't actually get around to writing them out. Sometimes it's just as simple as sitting down at the keyboard and starting (such as this post). But, in general, I don't actually feel like writing. Well, that's not true! When I don't write, I feel like... well, I suppose I'd compare it to (mentally) wanting to masturbate...but due to laziness or some degree of exhaustion, not sitting down to find stroke worthy porn, and thus not masturbating. (I wonder, though I don't actually want you to tell me, if you can relate to that feeling). 

I have no clue about how to harness my creativity (and I realize I may be applying the term a bit loosely) but I am open to suggestions! Mostly I just wanted to write this to tell the Lego story illustrating what I perceive to be my most significant deficiency, and to compare my writing to masturbation...which it is! It's literary masturbation. It serves no productive function but, it makes me feel good and, I'm kinda kinky so I let you all watch!

Saturday, June 2, 2012

To My Future Wife

In the interest of saving us both some time and making sure that you don't one day become my future EX-wife, I wanted to write this for you, the woman who I will one day love. What follows is a quick guide to our as yet hypothetical relationship. A few insights into myself that may help you decipher my moods and motivations for the purposes of learning how to deal with me, some examples of what to expect in the long run, and maybe a few charming quirks or possibly even a couple of hints about what I may be know...sexually!

Now, I realize that you're possibly busy at the moment. Maybe you're a long-haired half Asian half Latina prodigy who got her PhD in linguistics from Oxford (or Cambridge...I'm not picky) at the age of 16. You're well respected in your field. You're fluent in eight (8) languages and conversant in an additional three (3). And, you've been published in scholarly journals on multiple occasions. It's also possible that you're a stripper, or a porn star (Hey Jynx Maze! How you doin' girl!? Lemme Holla at ya! HollaHollaHollaHollaHollaHollaHolla). Maybe you're that girl I had a crush on in High School! Whatever you do, whoever you are, it doesn't matter! What matters is that I will love you for exactly who you are! No judgments, no preconceived notions! All I ask, is that you remain open to the idea of love until we meet!

As for me! You'll find that when we meet, I will have, quite recently as a matter of fact, discovered my purpose. I imagine I'll be some sort of genius, billionaire, playboy philanthropist.... yeah, just like Teddy Rist. (or Tony Stark, if you're not a fan of deep cut obscure references which are actually quite a bit more accurate). Or maybe I'll be a childlike but ruggedly handsome author like Richard Castle. Although I will be considerably less fictional. At any rate, I will be busy. Combined with you're being busy writing scholarly articles about fascinatingly obscure dialects... or bangin' dudes on camera... or whatever it is you do, I trust that you'll understand that the time I make to be with you, or the sacrifices I make to be supportive of you and your career are a big deal. All that I ask in return is that I be allowed to go (or come back) and attend some home football games of my beloved Alma Mater, The University of South Carolina. Ideally, I imagine that you would join me, but like I said, I don't want to interfere with your goals.

One thing that should be made absolutely clear is that I will be completely and unwaveringly faithful to you. It's not in me to cheat on you. ... If your job happens to be bangin' dudes though, please understand that we're never gonna get married until you retire. I mean, I suppose you could "work" exclusively with me... but I'm not that thrilled about being on camera, and quite honestly, I don't really measure up to your likely co-workers and I'd hate to be that guy who everybody sitting at home on their computers is mad at for keeping you from putting on a good show for them. The point is, I won't stray. Don't get me wrong, I'll watch porn (with or without you), and I may from time look at a nice ass or a great rack while we walk down the street. But you'll be the only one to whom I'll be "givin' the business". But if you cheat on me... well, I've been known to hold a grudge. And having moved around as much as I did when I was a kid, I find it pretty easy to just kind of... cut people out of my life. To that end, there will be a prenup! Not because I think our relationship will fail, but because it'll take a load of my mind to know that IF something goes wrong, you won't financially rape me for the rest of my life! And if I don't have to be paranoid about that, I can promise you that I'll be so much nicer.

 But I don't think either of us will have much reason to "step out on" the other. I mean, as long as we both continue to put forth a little effort, I figure we'll have a very satisfying sex life. By the way, you shouldn't be afraid to initiate whenever you feel like... which really is just as simple as letting me know you're not wearing any underwear. Might I also suggest, cooking in nothing but an apron...or simply walking around the house in the buff... or just getting my attention and biting your bottom lip and smiling while looking at me seductively. Flash me on the beach and we're headed straight for the water and it's on you if you lose your bikini in the surf! On the flip side, I trust that when I begin to grope and fondle you in the middle of the night or while you wash dishes, you won't complain of a headache or argue that the pots and pans really need to be scrubbed right at that moment. Spontaneity is the name of the game! Oh! And lest I forget... kinky is fine by me... just let me know, I'll play!  "What about simple PDA!?" you ask? Well, you know what they say, "Discretion is the better part of valor!" I admit, I'm not all together sure that applies, but you get the point. It plays into my next point. I don't want our friends to be put off by how kissy and cutesy and grab-assy we are. Don't get it twisted, I have every intention of being kissy and cutesy and grab-assy... but there is a time and place for that. For every other time and place...I think I can manage to be a bit more subtle!

Now that we've covered physical intimacy, a few things you should know about me. I'm not going to say "I love you" over and over again. If I've said it once...well, I'll let you know if I change my mind! I say that half jokingly. But really, don't read into it too much if I'm a bit taciturn. I'm naturally quiet and reserved. Also, if you ask me what I'm thinking about and I say "nothing"... I'm really not thinking of anything in particular. I mean, you can't honestly want to know every time I'm thinking about switching to a straight razor instead of the disposables, or when to go get the beer and brats for tailgating or if I've got any clean underwear left or whether I'm going to mow the lawn this weekend or trying to remember when the last time I had jelly beans was. If you really do want to know, that's fine too. Just don't hold it against me if I'm not immediately forthcoming with the trivial minutia. More importantly, don't hold it against me if I'm not enthralled by your trivial minutia. You don't have to tell me what you think of the new Venus razor you bought! Just know that I appreciate that your legs are silky smooth and tantalizingly touchable.  Also, "That's/It's fine." is an acceptable answer to any question that includes the words, "do you like". I was raised to believe that there is no need for twenty-five words when two will do just fine. If you absolutely insist on more, let me know and I'll make an effort, I swear I will. But if you don't tell me, I won't know! I think we'd benefit a great deal from a frank conversation early on in our relationship regarding hints and passive aggressive requests e.g. "I wish somebody would..."! Also, I want one son! He will be named after my grandfather, just as I was! Beyond that, everything else is negotiable!

I consider myself to be pretty open-minded and cultured. If you want to go to a concert or a museum or dancing, I'm totally willing to go with you! Likewise, If you've never seen Firefly or Farscape or The West Wing... well, I expect you to sit down and watch one or all of them with me! Call it balancing the scales for...well, any reality show you might want me to watch with you. Relationships are, as they say, a two way street. I think it's good to share some interests from the beginning! But, it's just as good, if not better, to develop some shared interests as we go along. So, being willing to try new things is kind of a big deal! In the same vein of sharing... I am willing to share the radio station presets in my car with you! Also, you may adorn my couch with a few (by which I mean, "no more than three") throw pillows. Of course, that doesn't come until after you've got space in the medicine cabinet and at least one drawer in my dresser. Ultimately though, when WE have OUR'll naturally get free reign. All I ask for at that point is for a man-cave and possibly a "super classy" study/office/library, with dark wood, and high backed arm chairs, and floor to ceiling bookshelves filled with leather bound volumes and one of those Old World globes that hides a decanter of scotch and a couple glasses.... maybe a cigar humidor...Yeah....!

Anyway! I think that just about covers it! Like I said, I doubt you'll come across this before we meet! But now, it's here for whenever we do! I look forward to the day when this will no longer be a huge waste of time!

Sunday, May 20, 2012

What's In A Name

What are you? I am a Gamecock, a South Carolinian, a citizen of The United States of America, and a member of the human race! That last one, unless you're one of those super smart monkeys from Planet of the Apes (... how many of you think I don't recognize the juxtaposition of monkey and ape! come on people! you know I'm not dumb) is a description we can all claim. We are humans! And one of the defining traits of humanity is that we have, as a species if not individually, a desire to explore. A need to know what is beyond the horizon, on the other side of the wall, past the mountains and across the sea. From the day we are born (and even before if we take into account some evidence) we see, and touch, and smell, and taste, and listen to things in a never ending attempt to understand the world around us. It's only when we grow older that we decide, or it is decided for us, that we have learned "enough". A select few, and really it is too few in my opinion, opt to continue their exploration. They study science, in its cornucopic variety of fields. They travel the world seeking first hand information. They explore the bounds of the physical world by going faster, deeper, higher and farther. They go places where nobody has ever gone, at speeds and in ways that have never before been attempted. And all of these people, when they share their knowledge with those of us not gifted enough to do so ourselves but still interested, expand what we as a species know and understand. 

Once upon a time, it was a commonly held belief among citizens of The United States, that our country should stretch from sea to shining sea! It was our "Manifest Destiny". It wasn't really a novel idea. Every country and great civilization throughout history has sought to expand its influence as far as possible. As time and technology eliminated the barriers of geography and language, humanity settled into a different sort of system. Political influence, monetary power, and sometimes cooperation. Establishing shared ideals i.e. "Injustice anywhere, is injustice everywhere" the quote goes! It dawned on us at some point that no matter our individual dogmas or geographic origins, we are all a part of the same whole...Humanity! Now, whatever hurdles and stumbling blocks lay before us in the future, I think we can all agree that our next frontier is, in the words of Star Trek, Space! 

I want to thank you at this point for coming along for the ride! Now, it's time to reveal the meaning of the title of this blog post. I don't want to talk about the technology we're going to need just to get to space. I don't want to talk about how we're going to set aside our petty differences (or enumerate what those petty differences are) to even start working on the previous problem. Nor do I want to talk about what we're going to find out there... if we ever get there. At least not right now. No. This is a much simpler question, and one on which I hope to get your input. The question is, with some assumptions made; When we get out there, and we find other intelligent life, what will we call ourselves. It's even a fair question if that life comes to us one day. Will we say that we are from a planet called Earth? A word which easily translates to "soil" or "the medium in which plants grow". Will we, on a galactic/universal stage, be called "Earthlings"? On this front, I much prefer the Latin name "Terra". Sure, it basically means the same thing but, if I've learned anything from science fiction it is this, Terrans kick ass... Earthlings are puny creatures to be enslaved or destroyed. Sure, Human or Homo Sapiens Sapiens (yeah...TWO "sapiens"! It's not a typo. We are a sub-species, boys and girls...look it up) is perfectly fine as a taxonomic reference, but as a group, to be addressed as a whole or governed as a whole, I think "Terran" is a damn cool sounding name. Just as South Carolinians and Texans and Oregonians etc./ are addressed in unison as Americans, I think "Terrans" is a good word to address Americans, and Germans, and Australians and Russians and Japanese (Japanians?) etc./ as a whole! Of course, that may just be because I speak (American-) English. 

Which raises the question I would put to you! If you speak another language does "Earthling" sound as bad in that language? (I am very much interested in what the word is in said language) ... and would you prefer "Terran" or some other word?

Monday, April 16, 2012

Are You Really A BBW

If anything you are about to read offends you, I sincerely do not care! This simply must be said and I refuse to apologize! Sensitivity is the enemy of honesty! And on this subject, we are in dire need of honesty. Ladies! We need to seriously address the meaning of "Big Beautiful Woman"! If you've ever looked at the Personals section of the Classified Ads or on craigslist, you know that there seem to be a lot of BBWs out there in the world looking for love... or even just a quick hookup! But let us ask ourselves if "BBW" is an honest self description... particularly if you have or are planning on using it!

Now let's be clear, I'm not bashing big girls! I have no problem with a big girl thinking of herself as beautiful! Truth be told, as often as not, they are good lookin'! Of course, that previous sentence is a universal truth of women from every culture, of every color, or any size! Let's face this fact also. As a man, objectively assessing the aesthetic appeal of women boils down whether or not I would have sex with her. Setting aside the issue of me being just this side of desperate, I like to think of myself as being capable of that kind of objectivity! And in my objective opinion, there are skinny women who I'd have sex with and skinny women I wouldn't spend five minutes with if I could help it! The same applies to curvy girls, thick chicks, big girls, and even fatties! I saw one of those captioned photos one time that said something along the lines of "Gigantic Tits: God's consolation prize to fat girls." And while beauty isn't defined solely by tits and ass... you've got to admit, they are an asset found in abundance among big girls! "Their cups runneth over", if you will! But as I said, that can't be the sole determining factor of whether or not a "BBW" can call herself beautiful. I assert that a pretty face is just as important! And if I'm objectively assessing the beauty of self-professed BBWs, there is a disturbingly high number of women who look like they fell from the top of the ugly tree and hit every branch face first on the way down! I'm all for self confidence, and being comfortable in your own skin and all that jazz, but not at the expense of honesty!

We live in a society that tries so hard to drill self esteem into us from a young age that I fear it has eroded our ability to tell the truth about ourselves. This is the essence of my problem with the term, "BBW". Let's look at it like this. Brad Pitt is handsome, Blair Underwood is handsome, Adrian Brody is a weird looking motherfucker. If you're wondering how I would describe myself, I'd probably say something like, "I'm not bad lookin'!" Ridiculously Photogenic Guy I am not! I recognize my flaws! That doesn't mean I'm going to call myself a fat, ugly, crooked toothed dump! But I'm also not going to go around with the attitude that I am the best looking man in the world. You can be a big woman. At the same time you can be a smart woman, and a good woman, and a strong woman, and yes, even a beautiful woman. But it seems to me that more often than not, a woman who would describe herself as a "BBW" thinks she's beautiful because she's big. Now, if that doesn't apply to you, you really shouldn't be at all offended by anything you've read so far, because that is the specific group that irked me enough to prompt this (somewhat stream of consciousness) diatribe. So can we all just agree that being big doesn't automatically make you a Big Beautiful Woman!? And if we're honest with ourselves, are you really a BBW?

Monday, April 9, 2012

Men Are Talking

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus! An inocuous cliche meant to illustrate that men and women are different, or more specifically that we communicate differently! If only I had a writing partner of the opposite gender so that this blog post could compare and contrast! Alas, I'm just a guy and, in all fairness, I can only speak with any authority on the male half of this particular subject! So, if you will indulge, I'd like to explain how men communicate (at least in my experience). It boils down to this: Every man will communicate with other men in one of four ways; Concurrence, Argument, One-Upmanship and Insults. 

First, Concurrence! This is the only time when the discourse between men is consistently civil. We agree with each other! Thus, we will offer, in turn, points supporting the premise upon which we agree or give our assent to the points offered by another! Allow me to provide you with some sample dialogue to illustrate this particular mode of male communication!

Male #1: The University of South Carolina Fighting Gamecocks have the best football team in college football!

Male #2: We do have the best coach ever!

Male #1: True! Numbers are fine and all, but I'd bet Steve Spurrier could coach circles around Bear Bryant!

Male #2: I would love to see them go head to head!

Male #1: And don't forget, we've got the best in-state talent coming to our team each year!

Male #2: Oh yeah! And if you want proof, just look at our record the past three years against our in-state rivals whom I refuse to call by name!

Male #1: LOL! Yeah! They have inapporpriate relationships with siblings and cattle!

Male #2: LOL! That's funny! But, to the original point! Let's not forget that in addition to superior players and coaching staff, we are far and away the better fan base!

Male #1: Indeed!

There's not much else to say on this point! There are times when men agree! Conversely, there are times when men disagree! This usually begins as cordially as an agreement, and in good friendships or "polite company" will remain so. However, when the argument is heated, or the personalities of the men involved in the argument clash, it will usually devolve into another category of male communication, namely "Insults"... or into physical violence! But let us not assume that insults are exclusively the domain of men who do not like each other! Even between friends, it is not uncommon to hear a barrage of insults. For this example, I'd like to share a conversation that I will not admit to taking part in, but I will assure you that it actually happened...more or less! Well, the gist of it anyway... perhaps over the course of multiple conversations....anyway!

Male #1: I liked you better when you were fat, you skinny bastard!

Male #2: I liked you better when you had a good excuse to be living with your parents!

Male #1: At least I don't have pepperoni nipples!

Male #2: Pepperoni nipples or not, at least I have a girlfriend!

Male #3: Could be worse... Male #1 could be wearing aviator a douche!

Male #2: Oh! Hey! I thought you would be talking on the phone with your wife for the next five hours! How's that jar with your testicles in it?

Male #3: At least I'm getting sex on a (semi-) regular basis!

Male #2: I choose not to have sex! Male #1 couldn't get laid if he tried!

Male #1: Be glad I don't! The stories of how I satisfy women might tempt your women to stray!

Male #2 and Male #3 [in unison] : I call BULLSHIT!

Now, let me be clear (to borrow a phrase), these three men are friends...and are still friends afterwards! Insults just seem to be a part of male communication. As much so as One-Upmanship!

One-Upmanship, for clarification, is the practice of a male telling a story about something he has done/witnessed or performing some physical feat of strength/skill only to be followed by another male telling a story of something more extreme that he has done/witnessed or performing a bigger/better physical feat of strength/skill. This usually goes back and forth until one male is unable to tell a better/more extreme story or is physically defeated or otherwise injured.  Essentially, it is a slightly more evolved version of rams butting heads or lions roaring at one another or gorillas pounding their chests! It is the means by which a group of men establishes their hierarchy. This pecking order is often determined by arm wrestling contests and/or the telling of "drinking stories" or tales of sexual conquest! It is by these means that even the lowliest individual in terms of objective success in life can maintain his value and standing among his peer group! It is the equivalent of ancient man saying, for example, "Yes, my cave is small and smells bad! Yes my woman is larger and hairier than yours! And yes, my fire is small and weak! But remember, I killed that sabretooth tiger with my bare hands, ate all of its flesh in one sitting, and look how its hide makes a most elegant cape! Not to mention how its skull now serves as an awesome mug!"

Concurrence, Argument, Insults and One-Upmanship! All communication between men falls into one of these four categories! And if you think it doesn't I challenge you to say so in the comments... where I will be more than happy to Argue with you...and probably Insult you while I'm at it!

Sunday, April 1, 2012


Boobs, Knockers, Melons, Fun Bags, Sweater Puppies, Chest Cushions, Gazongas! Whatever you call em, Breasts are awesome! And I don't just like Tig Ole' Bitties! I like em big, small, perky, "vine-ripened" and everything in between. That being said, like any discerning connoisseur there are certain qualities that appear in the full range of Milk Makers that I have a personal appreciation of! In other words, there's some stuff I really enjoy about a nice pair of Hooters! And what better place to discuss this than in a blog post on the Internets! I mean, it really is about half full of Titties anyway, right!? And just as a heads up, while I will be referencing a number stars of pornographic movies as examples, this should in no way be understood to be an endorsement! "My Favorite Porn Star(s)" is definitely going to be a separate blog post!

Now, as I said before, size isn't so much a big deal for me! While the prevailing wisdom seems to be that "bigger is better" I generally prefer "natural" breasts! More often than not, women don't naturally have DD, or E, or F, or J cup sized breasts. A small C cup or even a nice B cup are actually far more attractive to me than cartoon sized implants! Mind you, I'm not saying I haven't enjoyed images of Tiffany Towers or Wendy Whoppers from time to time! But far and away I prefer natural breasts. The truth of the matter is that bigger breasts are usually accompanied by bigger everything else! As far as I'm concerned, that is definitely NOT a bad thing. I must admit that while I have this great affinity for boobies, I am definitely an ass man...or more specifically a leg man (enjoying everything between the ankles and the waist). So when I'm looking for big tits, I am more than happy to find Amazonian women like the 5'10" Gianna Michaels (34DD) or a woman with "a little extra cushion for the pushin'" like Brandy Talore (36DD).  But smaller, natural breasts are equally as enjoyable. In fact, I almost lament when a porn star gets implants. I'm kind of a hipster in that, "Oh, her earlier pre-boob job work was totally better!" kind of way. Sophie Dee and Katja Kassin made their names before getting implants... mostly by having big round asses, but still! I liked them with small breasts just the same!

Of course, as with every rule, there is an exception. In my case, that exception is Kagney Linn Karter. I would argue that she has the best fake tits in porn. To that point, I don't begrudge any woman who chooses to get implants! If you still want them even though the man/men in your life say that you look incredible without them, or because he doesn't (let's face it, I can't be all places all the time), or whatever reasons you might have... go for it! But personally, no matter how good you might look in your clothes, the scars around your nipples or under the boob, don't really do it for me! Yet another exception, if you've had a mastectomy and you want your "womanly figure" back... I don't suppose you have anything to lose by getting implants! The same goes for other medical issues. I've known a handful of women who were quite busty... so much so that it resulted in back pain and what have you. And while I (and most straight guys that knew these women) wept at the thought, breast reductions really were their best bet at a happy life! And that, I think, is the bottom line when discussing any surgery involving breasts. Ladies, the happiness of those around you should be less important than your own! (But only when we're talking about breast surgeries, now go make me a sammich!)

Another thing I really enjoy about breasts is the nipples! On this subject, I've got two words for ya, "Pencil Eraser"! Again, this is all my own personal preferences, but it just doesn't get better than that! Whether or not they're pierced doesn't make a whole lot of difference to me, but if it increases your sensation, that's cool cuz you know I'm gonna suck on em! Pencil Eraser Nipples, the reason God invented cool springtime breezes and the freezer section at the supermarket! (*DING* "Turkey's Done!") Now, in this area you generally have two other options. The first being the puffy nipple which I don't like so much! At least in my mind I've associated it with that whole "barely legal" teen fetish thing which I'm not a huge fan of. Mostly because I'm not thrilled about the possibility of having to utter the words, "I swear she told me she was 18, officer!" But also because I really do enjoy that "pencil eraser"... perhaps a bit too much. The other option is the GIANT areola! I know you accept a certain variation in size, generally corresponding to the size of the breast, but if it's too big to fit in my mouth, chances are it's too big for me to find attractive!

Squeezable, Squishable, Huggable, Kissable,  Marvelously Malleable, Mashable, Motorboat-able Mammaries! I do love em! Do you? Tell me about it in the comments! and while I'm cool with a certain degree of "  graphic"  , let's try to be respectful, yeah!?

Sunday, March 25, 2012

I Had A Dream

For those of you expecting to find something inspirational or at all related to Dr. King...I'm sorry. This really is mostly just about how I had a dream a few nights ago. I waited to write about it because it took me a couple of days to really think out what I wanted to say about it. But, let's not get ahead of ourselves! First, the dream: [insert wavy dream sequence effect here]

I find myself walking into a club, past the velvet rope, into some kind of private function. The sense that these are actors, that they are dressed well, as am I (I do look good in a tux, if I do say so myself) leads me to believe that this is some kind of awards show after-party. None of the faces were really clear, so I can't say who all was at my dream party. Well, that's not entirely true... some amalgamation of people was off to my left which represented the cast of Glee... ... ... the bar was to my right! As I recall my dream, I was about to make my way to the bar when a "louder than the general murmur of people talking" laugh caught my attention. I turn to look and my eyes focus in on Naya Rivera! I remember dreaming her in a red gown...a form fitting, off the shoulder number... I blame that on The Hunger Games... the book, not the movie, I had just finished reading it, and all that stuff was still fresh in my head. But I digress. As I was saying, I saw her, she was laughing, a great smile all across her face. And I was hooked! Now, I've gotta say, I don't really watch Glee...I've seen a couple of the songs on youtube, and while I don't deny that there's a level of talent there, it's just not my jam. But I'm aware of the program, and I'm particularly aware of her being the best looking one on the show (IM not so HO).  So I walk over and this is the exchange that takes place between the two of us:

Brother Arson: Hi! can I get you a drink?

Naya Rivera: I've already got one! Thanks!

BA: Well, can I get you another one?

NR: I can get my own drinks.

BA: I'm sure you can, but it's not really a drink that I'd be getting!

NR: ... Then what is it?

BA: Well, you see, the drink is merely a gateway to a conversation. A conversation which could lead to... dinner next week!? Which would of course come with more conversation. And that could lead to another dinner, with more conversation. That would likely lead to a night out dancing. We could try and squeeze in some more conversation if you like, between songs maybe, but it's really mostly about the dancing cuz dancing is fun! After that could be... Oh I don't know, an art show, a picnic, mini-golf!? Hard to say really, it's kinda far down the road! At any rate, if you string enough of those events together, they lead to what I have been led to believe is referred to as "a relationship".  Of course, that entire realm of possibilities is predicated on you letting me get you a drink right now! So, what do ya say?

NR: And why me?

BA: Because you're pretty!

NR: And that's enough?

BA: It's enough for me to offer a drink! Whether the conversation which follows convinces me to ask you out to dinner next week still remains to be seen!

NR: ...OK! I'll have a whiskey sour!

That's where I wake up! It's a nice little dream! But don't get it twisted, I'm well aware that it'll never ever happen! Wealthy as I am, I don't see myself being in California anytime soon. Nor do I think I'd be invited to some fancy schmancy Hollywood type party! Even if I did and I were, I know it wouldn't go down like that! Here's how it would likely happen in reality!

I walk into the party...I notice her laughing and smiling. I smile to myself, thinking "Wow, she looks great!" and then I turn and walk to the bar and spend the night drinking half a bottle of scotch, by my-damn-self!

I'm not saying I wouldn't be personable if somebody came up to me! I've met Kevin Bacon and Ric Flair and the wife of a candidate for the Republican nomination for Presiden turned talk show host (the candidate, not the wife) and not been star struck. There's no reason to believe that I couldn't carry on a conversation with NPH or Jimmy Fallon or Tina Fey or Olivia Munn or some such person or persons if they approached me. But I know good and well, I'm not the type to initiate those encounters. It's not that I'm terribly shy... I mean, I share stuff with y'all that I don't generally tell people about. And yes, that may be in part because I am afforded a degree of anonimity by the internet... combined with my own ability to believe that nobody is actually reading this stuff. 

So, not "shy"! "Reserved", I think would be a better way of describing me in public. I do spend a fair amount of time observing...and there's something distasteful about expending a great deal of effort to engage in ultimately fruitless conversation just for the sake of being personable! Besides, I've only got so many minutes on my cell phone plan to spend talking about...whatever! Not to mention, between this and twitter, I can tell and show and share just about everything I would if we were in the same place at the same time. I'm not saying that reading my blog is the same as meeting me...but it's damn close. I don't lie to y'all, and Lord knows it's random enough to preclude me doing all this just to push some kind of agenda! 

At any rate! No question attached, no asking for your opinions in the comments! Just saying, I had this dream a few nights ago, figured I'd share it, and some of the stuff it made me think about!

Sunday, February 26, 2012

I Wonder Sometimes

I wonder sometimes if I'm manic-depressive. There are days when I feel the urge to organize everything around me. I wake up at a reasonable hour. I cull the files on my computer. I make schedules that account for reading and exercise and writing time. I even block out times to watch television programs and listen to certain podcasts that I enjoy. Inevitably, none of those things ever happen and I fall into a period of time when I let the garbage pile up around me, empty food wrappers and aluminum cans stacked on my desk next to an overflowing ash tray.  Waking up at noon and going to bed at dawn. Spending most of my waking hours playing video games and watching pornography.

I wonder sometimes why people who own dogs let the animal lick them in the face! I mean seriously!? He just got done licking his own balls after eating out of the garbage and washing it down with some toilet water! I mean, I don't let most people stick their tongue in my mouth, why would make such allowances for an animal!

I wonder sometimes why, if God is real, does He allow people to believe He isn't?! Sure! I have a lot of other questions about God. But, let us assume for the moment that there is actually an all-seeing, all-knowing being that created the universe and made man in His own image. Wouldn't He check in at least once in a lifetime to assure everybody that things are going according to plan? Of course, that might lead to a whole heap of questions about what exactly the plan is, seeing as it kinda looks like chaos from down here!

I wonder sometimes who it is at work that keeps putting the toilet paper on the roll the wrong way. It goes OVER! ALWAYS OVER! Who doesn't know that!?

I wonder sometimes if the sharp increase in cases of autism isn't a result of the increased ability and need to diagnose and identify things! Basically, is it statistics or is it semantics?  How many deaf and dumb people were locked up in some upstairs room before we called it "autism"!? 

I wonder sometimes if people actually read the crap that I post on this blog. I wonder because I keep asking for comments and I've only ever gotten two (2). BTW, Thanks for the feedback Rick and Kenny-B!

I wonder sometimes about the cognitive dissonance that causes poor people to vote Republican when the GOP has made it abundantly clear that it's only interested in giving tax cuts to the people who can most afford to pay more. Oh, and let's not even get into all the things that we (the NOT rich) would have to put up with in exchange for those tax cuts... OK, let's get into it a little bit: cut funding for public schools, raise the retirement age, higher healthcare costs, and stagnant wages. And let us not forget the most deplorable/diabolical/despicable thing... (no, not thinly veiled racism towards the man currently in The Oval Office) ... less Prairie Home Companion and Sesame Street, more Kardashians!*gasping in shocked horror

I wonder sometimes if Jurassic Park will become a reality first or will it be Terminator. And if Terminator becomes reality first, will we go through brief periods of RoboCop or Lawnmower Man to get there! I mean, they did discover that volcanically preserved 300 million year old forest in Mongolia and who knows what we'll find in there... not to mention the possibility of an actual cloned wooly mammoth sometime in the next decade (I'm dead serious, Google that shit!). Put that against the idea that scientists in Australia have recently (very recently) created an atom sized transistor. Giving further creedence to Moore's Law and heralding the possible rise of Quantum Computing...which, if that happened, would shatter any limitation on the development of artificial intelligence...well, any limitation except those which we impose upon ourselves and, let's face it, we really don't like denying ourselves much of anything if we can get it! 

I wonder sometimes if women really want to be equal. I mean EQUAL equal! For instance, I've met women who want equal pay for equal work. And that's fair, I'm all for that! But those same women still expect a man to pay on the first date, open doors, not hit her back if she strikes him in anger! Believe me, I'm ALL for equality, but you don't get to choose WHEN you're equal!

I wonder sometimes why I'm still single!

Saturday, February 11, 2012

Ship Porn

I do love my science-fiction. As a genre it is uniquely capable of re-telling the oldest stories while simultaneously igniting our imaginations and inventing something never before dreamt of and, by virtue of its popularity, making those concepts part of the public consciousness. How uqibuitous are ideas of "Robots" and "Teleporters" today!? From Verne, to Asimov and Roddenberry, to Whedon and Moffat... science fiction continuously redefines how we percieve and concieve of the universe! But, if you paid attention to the title, there's one particular thing I'd like to talk about today! The ever dependable choice of cinematographers on programmes and movies featuring space faring cast members to provide us with gorgeous shots of the exterior of the ship! SHIP PORN! Make no mistake, this is a fetish! There are pretty ships, and ugly ships... from a purely design aesthetic point of view. But from a much more visceral stance, there are cool looking ships, and dumpy lookin space tubs. Ships can be sexy, imposing, cute, sporty, or any number of adjectives...some of which may even be appropriate to use in describing a woman! If there is a space ship in a T.V. Show or movie, or video game, you have seen the outside of it! And the point of this post is to go through a few of my personal favorites!

Featured in Doctor Who and although it's not strictly a space ship, The Doctor's Typre 40 Time And Relative Dimension In Space certainly qualifies in so far as it can move through space without moving through time! Also, technically, it falls into the category of "space tub" considering that it is beyond old! Let me put it this way! If  at he beginning of the series in which it was featured the Battlestar Galactica was recently decommissioned like, say for instance, a mid 90's JEEP... the TARDIS is like a Model T Ford! Going back to the "first" Doctor, it was a museum piece! But that doesn't necessarily make it ugly! Sure, the Chameleon Circuit got stuck on "Police Box" God knows how long ago, but that is undeniably a part of its charm! Being "bigger on the inside" makes it not unlike The Doctor himself in that there is so much more to it that may appear at first glance! And once you get inside. BOY HOWDY! Amongst "living ships", it's easily among the most impressive!

On the topic of living ships, you can't overlook MOYA! This Leviathan (a symbiotic and servile species) serves as the ship of John Crichton and company in the glorious series FARSCAPE! She (because like all good ships, she is a "She") is really impressive! Capable of Star Bursting over incredibly large distances, Moya is more than a pretty piece of astro-tech. With the exception of a particular episode of Doctor Who, Moya is more of a character than any other ship I can think of (feel free to disagree on this point in the comments). So much so, that SHE GIVES BIRTH to another Leviathan! And if you can overlook the insect like appearance that seems to be inherent in bio-mechanoid creations, she's really quite sleek! 

If you didn't think I was going to move on to the other insect lookin ship that everyone loves...! That's right, The central hub of everything that happened on the cult classic (I guess that's appropriate) space opera, FIREFLY... this "Midbulk transport, standard radion-accelerator core, classcode 03-K64, Firefly" (hence title) is easily the smallest of my favorite ships...(not counting the TARDIS again...)! Captained by Malcolm Reynolds, she's a smuggling vessel, passenger/cargo transport, and a home! And for an unarmed ship (although the crew is armed to the teeth) she does a heck of a lot of damage...particularly to the pride of jack-booted Alliance muckety-mucks who just can't seem to catch this pretty little thing! 

In truth, this is the one that inspired this post! I recently re-watched Star Trek: The Motion Picture, and I was struck by just how much time they spent showing me the ship! A good six minutes was spent, just panning across various sections of the hull! When I was five years old, Saturday morning was all about waking up early, making scrambled eggs and bacon for breakfast and watching movies with my dad! This was one of em, and it's stuck with me ever since. And while Serenity may be my favorite ship (the TARDIS doesn't count as a ship in this case, it's in a class all by itself) I still have a special place in my heart for The Enterprise (not unlike Kirk himself). She's like my first spaceship love! Without a doubt, she popped my Ship Porn cherry!

So that's my short list! I left it short because A.) I'm lazy! and B.) I really do want to know what some of your favorites are! leave a comment down below!