Sunday, January 23, 2011

Favorites That Don't Usually Get Favorited

We're all painfully familiar with "Top [ insert arbitrary number between 3 and 20 here ] Favorite [ insert arbitrary non-offensive thing you can list ]" Lists. The truth is...We like these lists! Whether we enjoy agreeing or disagreeing with them doesn't matter. We read them, in part because they're EVERY-FUCKING-WHERE! Every magazine, websites and...well, we don't really read things anywhere else these days so that about covers it...

So, instead of going fully against the grain by not doing a "List" of some sort, I've decided to be uniquely subversive and write this blog post.

In no particular order (only numbered to have numbers) I give you My

List of Favorites That Don't Usually Get Favorited

1) Favorite Living Scientist: Neil deGrasse Tyson
Among his credits are : Astrophysicist, Director of The Hayden Planetarium, American Museum of Natural History. Host: PBS NOVA scienceNOW. And perhaps most importantly, "Friend of the Show", Colbert Report.

Why is he my favorite living scientist...well, he's one of the few that people can really name these days. Scientists used to be kind of a big deal, and not that long ago either. Einstein and Oppenheimer were something like rockstars a while back but, these days you're lucky if you run into somebody who knows that Stephen Hawking (arguably one of the smartest human beings on the planet) has a form of ALS...for those who don't know, that's why he's in the wheelchair and talks with the know, cuz he's paralyzed! I mean, I really hope some of you people know this... I'm certainly no expert, and I like the think I'm not the smartest person in the room...

Anyway, back to Dr. deGrasse Tyson. Not only is the man brilliant, but he's... likable (best word available). He relates to people well and, breaking from the stereotype of the super smart set, has no problem breaking things down in ways that us lay-folk can comprehend without sounding like he's talking down to us!

2) Favorite Dead Scientist : Kenneth Bainbridge
Truly, one of the coolest motherfuckers to come out of the Manhattan Project. Looking at a picture of the guy you get the sense that he drank whiskey out of a "good glass... with a heavy base" and smoked. He lived to be 91 years old before he died in 1996, so maybe not so much with the smokin and drinkin...then again, maybe (we'll get into that some other time). The point is, he wins for "best line delivered at a nuclear explosion".  And here's the story [cue harp music and wavy effect on screen to indicate "flashback scene" is beginning].

The day rolls around at Los Alamos that the first nuclear bomb will be detonated. This part any old history class can tell you, the test went off without a hitch. If you were lucky or curious you've heard Oppenheimer's famous line (ripped off) from the Bhagavad Gita, "I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds." (What a drama queen) But, the test director on that day, one Kenneth Bainbridge one-upped old RJ Oppenheimer with, "Now we're all sons of bitches!". Come on...Come....On.... We didn't get awesome lines like that again until 80's action movies! And after that, he went toe-to-toe with the biggest douche in the history of American politics...yup! Joe McCarthy! How can you not love this dude!

3) Favorite Amendment to the Constitution of the United States of America: 2nd
WHOA there Nellie! It's not what you think...unless you know me...or I've made this argument before! I absolutely love the 2nd Amendment and it's not because I particularly like guns. I'm not opposed to them and I would own one if I could be bothered to get licensed to carry one. No!, I love the 2nd Amendment because it's the "go-to guy" for people who DO love guns and DON'T want gun control! They always claim that they have "a Constitutional Right to bear arms" and "the right to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed" and "cold, dead hands" and yadda yadda yadda!

But that's not what it says at all! In point of fact, if I may, in it's entirety it reads, "A well regulated Militia being necessary for the defense of a free state, the right to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed." So, you see, anybody with basic reading comprehension skills can clearly decipher that your right to keep and bear arms (you know, under the Constitution) is based solely on the need to have a well regulated militia with which to defend our borders. But, since we now have a standing Army...and Air Force, and Navy, Marine Corps and Coast Guard, we don't need a well regulated militia to ensure the safety of these here free states, hence, no real "Constitutional Right" to keep and bear arms, just local and federal laws. Hence, my favorite Constitutional Amendment is the 2nd, because when you use it right, you can make dumb people look as dumb as they are!

4) Favorite Medicinal Stuff: a tie between Vap-o-Rub and Dimetapp
 If you're about my age and you've ever had a cold, you know what I'm talking about. That Soothing Vick's Vap-o-Rub (we didn't have generics in my day... of course, I might just be getting old and mis-remembering things) was awesome, it smelled good and it made your shirt sticky...leading to an entire wardrobe designated "sick wear"...even if it was only in the back of your mind. And Dimetapp, a brilliant attempt at making cough syrup that tasted like Grape, that wound up tasting like something wholly unnatural but still delicious. Throw that together with a day off from school and being sick wasn't all that bad! All in all, it's a far-cry from the methods I use these days (again, some other time).

5) Favorite Dump : The Ghost Dump
Clearly I'm not talking  about garbage here, I'm talking about taking a shit. The Ghost Dump is far superior to all other shits. You start by going into the bathroom to do your business, you figure, "It's Sunday Morning, I've got no church to go to, nothing happens before noon, I'll take the paper with me and maybe get started on that Crossword." Then as you're trying to figure out what 18 Across could be (it's YULIE'S GOLD...they put it in there for all the vowels), you realize, "Oh! hang on a minute, I came in here to take a shit!" As you look to inspect the bowl, you see a turd just a floatin' like your fat cousin in the Lazy River at the water park and think,"Did I do that?" because you don't remember squeezing out that particular log! Now you realize you don't actually have to shit anymore, so it must've been you. Of course you go to wipe, but it feels odd, like you're not actually wiping anything off your brown eye. You inspect the TP and there's not a trace of fecal matter to be found (at least not in the cursory glance that you actually give it) and then, finally, the truth dawns on you! YOU JUST TOOK A GHOST DUMP!

There you have it...My List of Favorites That Don't Usually Get Favorited! Feel free to add on to the list, I mean, there's a comment section down least there should be! But be forewarned...if it's something that DOES usually get Favorited, I will eviscerate you on twitter! (for all that's worth)!

1 comment:

  1. That's slightly incorrect.

    You described the "clean dump," for it is clearly in the water. It's as if it wiped itself on the way out.

    The ghost dump is when you see the evidence in the paper, feel it come out (not to be mistaken with a fart, you have to KNOW that this is a well-made turd being laid), but there's nothing in the water! Where did it go? Was it the spirit of thanksgiving leaving you? The ghost left its trace on the paper, yet it needed to return to its proper dimension.

    We should catch up soon.

    I have lost your number (and most everybody elses).

    ~slick rick