Sunday, January 30, 2011

I Hate Nancy Grace : And Here's Why You Should Too

I know we've entered this new age of civility where I'm not supposed to say I hate somebody just because I disagree with them. Let me be clear... there are plenty of people with whom I disagree, that I do not hate. In fact, I love some of these people as friends and brothers. There are people who think Napoleon Dynamite was hilarious that I like, there are people who think the Confederate flag should fly on State House grounds that I love. There are even people who went to Clemson...well, I am bound by a blood oath not to state publicly that I have any other feeling but disgust for them, but there are certain individuals who on and individual basis are perfectly delightful people. I say all that for you to understand that it's not an arbitrary or casual thing for me to say I hate somebody. So, you're asking yourself "well why do you hate Nancy Grace then?" And if you're asking yourself that, then you have no clue who this miserable hag is!

To state it quite simply, Nancy Grace is the epitome of what is wrong with the 24 Hour "News" Media. You'll excuse the vernacular but, Dat Bitch Don't Know Shit! Because she don't know shit, she spends a great deal of time making shit up! All the cable news networks do it, but at least they sometimes look like they're trying to get some concrete facts. You know what, let me break this down!

If you are a woman of color (black, hispanic, asian, pacific islander, native american, etc.): You better hope you never get abducted/kidnapped/killed. Nancy Grace won't try and rally people to find you, she won't cry out for justice if they find your body, if anything bad happens to you or your children. But, every week it seems like there's some poor (heh, I say "poor" when I obviously mean, filthy stinkin rich) little photogenic white girl who goes missing on her High School Spring Break to Mexico, or gets kidnapped in some sleepy little town (heh, I say "sleepy little town" when I obviously mean, wealthy suburb with three car garages and illegal immigrants doing the landscaping). Nancy Grace is the first one to call their death a tragedy, or call the crime heineous. Now, I'm not saying it isn't those things...but come on, how many honest to God poor girls of all other races in the worst parts of inner cities get killed and abducted and raped every day! Why do we only ever hear about the dumb rich bitches!

If you are a young (moderately) rich white female: You should hate Nancy Grace for making you look like a dumb rich bitch. You wanna go on Spring Break to the Bahamas!? Go right ahead! Somebody has to pay for those cruise ships and keep the souvenir shot glass industry alive! But don't you wish, that just once, people didn't assume that you're a spoiled/ drunken/ retard who doesn't know better than to leave the bar all by yourself with the shadiest looking dude on the whole fucking island.

If you are an even slightly less than Beaver Cleaver cut-out/ upstanding middle America posterboy (you have a tattoo, or a facial piercing, or you're skinny and pale, or you ran out of Head & Shoulders and your hair's a bit greasy today....or you're not white): You should hate Nancy Grace because she'd just as soon convict you in the court of public opinion as look at you once she hears you had one class with or were in the same hemisphere as the missing photogenic young white girl. I mean, it's not your fault you're a little shady looking!

All things being equal though, we tend to be able to pick out the guilty party just as quickly as she can. Except, we tend to be right! We KNOW O.J. did it! We know you can't trust rich 18/19 year old Dutch guys (or rich white South Africans). We know that if you say you couldn't have killed your wife because you were going back to the diner where you left your gun in the probably did kill your wife. We know that if you're accused of bangin that kinda cute intern in your governmental office that you probably killed her and buried the body to avoid a pregnancy scandal. We know that if you hire a gay male model/escort to carry your baggage on a trip to Europe that there's really only one bag you wanted him to put his hands on. And, we know that if your stance is wide enough to tap another mans foot in a public restroom that you probably wanted to suck his dick! We can figure that out without Nancy Grace and here super snooty attitude. Her and Ann Coulter have the same thing wrong with their faces and nasal passages that makes them look and sound like they're literally looking down their nose at you when they talk!

So I hate Nancy Grace! and you should too! Feel free to comment and add any other reasons to hate Nancy Grace!

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