Sunday, April 24, 2011

Be Prepared : Zombies

I tweeted earlier this week that I was going to write a "MUST READ" blog! Okay! that may have been overselling it, but isn't that title just a bit intriguing!? Anyway, why don't we get started!

I was listening to the Nerdist Podcast (as I suggest those of you reading my blog should also do) and as is the case from time to time, the topic of zombies came up. Now, I won't go into that discussion too much escept to say that it covered both the morality of killing the un-dead and a quick bit of tactical advice. Suffice it to say, I was pleased with the conclusions that were reached. But, on to the point of this blog post. After listening to the podcast I had to go to work at a local radio station (because my schedule sucks like a Hoover). As soon as I walked through the door I felt uneasy. After about an hour of pacing and talking to myself for a while (a considerably more frequent occurence than I'm comfortable discussing at present), I realized what was bothering me. My Zombie Preparedness Plan (ZPP) was only designed around being at home!

It's a fair to middling plan to begin weapons cache is limited to a BB Gun a staff (which is actually pretty solid) and two golf clubs (Sand Wedge and a putter in case you were wondering). And I haven't updated it since my parents health started to deteriorate. They're old mom gets winded just walking to the mailbox...part of the reason I quit smoking real cigarettes! I don't want to be the guy that says he's gonna sacrifice his mom to the undead horde but... ... I mean,  my dad knows how to operate tanks... I might need that one day...not that he doesn't have a few issues of his own! At any rate, I was at work and I felt woefully unprepared in case of a zombie outbreak! Subconsciously (probably) I started carrying a messenger bag to work with me...that includes a few things, including a knife... but not nearly enough to call myself prepared. So I began taking stock of my situation!

I started in the studio...we recently installed some new surveillance cameras...the shots of internal hallways concern me far less than the exterior views...parking lot and inside the fence where we keep the vans (which will be important to have access to).  So I've got a good view of my surroundings...and if water and power continue to work, you know I'll be blasting some Slayer over the airwaves (station format be damned at that point). But as I took a small amount of solace in being able to see outside without being seen (or heard, or smelled....or whatever senses zombies actually have access to) I realized I still don't have anything in the way of armaments. So I started walking around the station and I started where one should always start when looking for zombie survival supplies at work...The Basement!

Oh boy! What treasures I found! On my first pass I found exactly what you might expect to look for in a panic...a nice solide pick axe. I hefted it easily. Not that I'm strong like Thor...but it does kinda give you that feeling... seriously...go pick up a sledgehammer, see if you dont' feel a little good about yourself just by holding it over your head in one hand...Strike that heroic pose and smile a little, it's fun. GAH! sorry, my Black Label is taking me in a few different directions right now. But let's get back to the point. I found the pick axe...and then I went back upstairs.  After actually doing a bit of work I went back to the basement. There had to be more there than just a pick axe...I mean, the place is packed with all sorts of junk and stuff! So I took a critical look at it though I were planning, and not panicing!

Always (and I mean always) do a second pass on doing your inventory. When I really took a good long look at what I had at my disposal I found some great stuff!
  •  All sorts of extension cords and wires and even a length of honest-to-God rope... because you can almost never have too much corddage...what happens when you have to climb in or out of someplace high to escape the walkers...and maybe even improvise a quick and dirty armor that's still relatively light-weight
  • garden hose... much like corddage, you will need (I repeat YOU WILL NEED) tubing for something at some point...getting gas out of other people's tanks...fixing engines... a little battlefield medicine (I really should make time to read that manual)
  • a few cans of gasoline (for the lawnmower and the weedwhacker). Couldn't find a glass bottle (molotov cocktails) but I'm sure I could find some jar in the fridge if I had looked there
  • various garden tools (hos and hedge clippers and such)... I mean, the pick axe is good, but it will tire you out (and yes, I took a couple practice swings which proved the point)
  •  I even found an unopened six pack of socks! Why they're down there, I haven't the foggiest but hygene will still be important...especially if you're on your feet running all day
which raises another point!

Now I'll level with you...I would much prefer the slow shufflers to the 28 days later olympic sprinters. And we could argue about whether or not they qualify as zombies... but let's just agree that for the sake of a zombie preparedness plan that virally infected humans that want to eat you qualify as "zombies".  I've been slack with my cardio as my dedication to the ZPP waxes and wanes with the moon...and I aim to set about fixing that (I type after pausing to take another swig of tasty scotch). But let's be honest here...when getting food is more trouble than it's worth...I'm gonna be ok for a day or two longer than all you "in shape" fuckers, cuz my body's gonna have some fat to work through before it starts taking it's toll on my muscles... So, ladies, if film and television (particularly anime ie Highschool of the Dead , which I highly recommend) have taught us anything, if you want to survive the zombie apocalypse...make sure you're on good terms with a chubby guy. Not, like "morbidly obese" "bring in the forklift" guy, but definitely don't hate on the Buddha Belly! Also, there are two good reasons it doesn't hurt to have somebody in your party who might be a good candidate for "America's Next School Shooter". #1) having a friend will keep him from unloading a double barrel into homeroom (or the breakroom, or whatever) and #2) well, he'll be more than willing to kill all your infected, shambling, groaning classmates/co-workers.

So, in conclusion, take a good inventory, prioritize, make sure you can bust open the vending machines, pack everything up in a timely manner, and hit the road. It might not be a bad idea to avoid the major highways if at all possible...they'll be lousy with the infected dining on motorists in what might be a very much literal "traffic jam from hell".  Don't go back for anybody...if they're not with you at the moment you identify the outbreak (because the news won't say they're zombies...they'll call it rioting or some sudden pandemic...but you'll know it for what it is when you see it ), and they don't know the plan (a rally point or some sort of "Meet at the Rocket" contingency) then you CANNOT help them! Not anymore...

Black Label seems to be the "serious stuff" scotch, but I will say this. I did NOT write this today because it's the day we (Christians that is) observe the rememberance of when our Lord and Savior rose from the dead! Somebody find me a copy of "Zombie Jesus".... I mean, that's gotta be a movie right? Some "direct to Beta Max" "Frankenstein's Monster" of bad acting, bad writing, and bad camera work!

p.s. feel free to comment! I would love to hear your ZPP's and any critical assessment of my own.  Just one rule, be realistic! Don't go talking about how much firepower you'd pack into your Humvee unless you happen to have an armory full of (quite likely) illegal fully automatic weapons and you actually own a Humvee (and no, your Hummer 3 doesn't count)!

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