Sunday, April 10, 2011

Brother Arson's Comprehensive Guide to Strip Clubs

I hesitate to call myself an expert...but I do have practical experience regarding the psycho-social mores of the Strip Club and I'd like to address a few those things here. Some of what I'm about to tell you may come across as common sense, and some of it is purely anecdotal and purely reflective of my own opinions and experiences. I may be way off base from time to time, and you should feel free when you finish reading to tell me just that. But for now, let's just dive right in!

Every time I've ever gone to a strip club, I've gotten the exact same feeling. There's an excitement that I feel in the pit of my stomach, you might even call it "butterflies". Part of the reason for that is because there's a bit of a social taboo about going to these places. You feel a bit naughty when you pull into the parking lot. I can only imagine how magnified that feeling would be if I were pulling up to a brothel where sex is all but guaranteed. But more than the social taboo aspect, for me personally, I don't get to see lithe nubile young women writhing on stage often. And I definitely don't get them touching me. I'm a geek...a poor one at that... with marginal social skills. I reference poetry as much as random sci-fi  shows and movies and that's only when I get the courage to speak. So my opportunities to study the female form in person are extemely limited. Basically, going to a strip club is like entering a stately pleasure garden (by the way, if anybody knows of a strip club that's actually called "Xanadu" let me know and I'll add it to my list of things in the world I must see).  So, it doesn't matter where or when or with whom, but I always get excited to go!

I've never been a "regular" at a strip club. I just don't have that kind of disposable income. When I do go, I've saved for at least several months, maybe even a year, for the specific purpose of going to the local titty bar and having a good time. So, let's get the budgetary stuff out of the way next. You have to factor in drinks (and I definitely need a few drinks). Prices should be between $2 and $5 for house liqour and the cheap beer. I generally avoid the shot girls and sitting at the bar is the surest way to get a dancer who only wants you to buy her a drink (they get expensive cocktails and shit). But all this doesn't mean you should be stingy. Generally, when you first walk in the door, there's a beer trough, and they'll offer you a drink. Drop $5 on your first beer and find a seat. For the sake of staying on topic, let's skip ahead to when you finish that first beer (BTW, don't nurse your's a sign you're stingy...even if you are, you don't want to look that way).  So the first beer is done, one of the waitresses will come by and take your order...when she comes back with another $2 beer...drop a $10 bill on her...this'll make sure she comes around again when you want another drink.  Lapdance budgets will vary...mostly depending on the quality of the dancers, how geeked up you are to get some physical affection vs. your will power, and the night and location of the club. Round these parts, a dance on an average night will run you $20-$30 a song. Be aware of how fast that money can go. And champagne rooms...yeah, besides having to drop about a $150 or more on a bottle, you have to pay the dancer(s) gets expensive...and it's true (mostly) what Chris Rock says, "there's no sex in the champagne room" ! So generally, I don't recommend it...not from a fiscal angle anyway...but if you want to spend the money, do it. It can be fun.

So let's go back. you've got that first beer, you've settled into a seat (try to get one with a good look of the main stage as well as the satellite stage if they've got one), your eyes have adjusted to the dark and blacklights (as much as they can), and your ears are now accustomed to the blaringly loud bass of the music (I wear headphones turned up almost uncomfortably loud when I'm at home to prep specifically for that). You should see about 2, maybe 3 dancers on the main stage before you order your second beer. Once you have's time to pick the ripe fruit. On rare occassion (say, a slow night) I've had girls just come up to me asking if I wanted a dance (lapdance if you don't know by now)...usually I have to go through this next part first. If you see a girl on stage that impresses you with a nice costume (yes, some of them put a fair bit of thought into the one girl I saw a few years back who was wearing a #14 Gamecock Football jersey...yeah...she knows her audience), or she's got actual pole dancing skills ( look it up on youtube...not all strippers are pole dancers and most serious pole dancers aren't strippers, so if there's actual skill on the pole, you should take note), or you just like the look of her, go up to the stage...this is where a stack of $1 and $2 bills come in handy. I prefer the cash in hand, hands on the rail/bars, let her come to you method. If you're feeling generous, or you really want her attention, just drop a couple bucks on stage in front of you. You'll get some boobies in the face or a closer view of the booty shakin...I've even been used as a part of the stage for a stage trick (having a pair of sexy legs wrapped around my head does turn me on so). Slide the money into what ever piece of elastic she offers, when she offers, don't get greedy during the stage dance...and don't pay big bills unless you intend to take her to the champagne room ASAP.

Now, here's a secret. Strippers are ridiculously good with faces! So once you got your little close-up look, you can do one of two things. 1) Just go back to your seat...unless she's already milking some other dude's wallet dry (I mean, it is a job and she is working), or she finds one before she gets to you, she'll show up at your seat. She'll sit in your lap and ask if you want a dance...if yes, then say so, and go. If not, be polite, throw a "no thank you. but maybe later" her way...and if you mean the "maybe later" part, give her another $5 (it's like fishing and cash is the bait...and you gotta use it). Now, option 2) when she offers the elastic for you to slide your money in, tell her to come see you when she gets off stage... be very direct, but not aggressive. A simple "come see me when you get off stage" will do! A smile won't hurt either. Which brings us to appearances... yours, not theirs.

It should go without saying, but if you're gonna have a woman on top of you, it's a good idea to be clean. Take a shower, trim the various hairs and don't go overboard on the scents...I don't care how much you love Drakkar Noir...a little is better than nothing, and less is definitely more! I prefer to wear slacks and a button down shirt. The slacks are for two reasons! 1) Feels better to me when I've got a girl grinding on me and 2) it feels better for her. Yes, that's right, I care about the comfort of the dancers who entertain me. Jeans are rough, and if she's thinking about rubbing her ass raw on your lap, she's not gonna put as much oompf into it, so slacks = Win-Win! Now, the button down shirt...that's so you look like a young (or old, I don't know who's reading this...if anybody) professional! It adds to the "clean" thing, and it makes you look like you have money. Even if you can only afford one dance, you'll attract the better dancer, making that one dance worth it. Again, just going fishing with the best bait here. Do wear underwear (don't be a perv), and avoid large belt buckles...they just get in the way. Which brings us to the lapdance lounge.

I'm not even gonna discuss my one time in the champagne room. If you know me, you can contact me elsewhere to get that story if you don't know it already. But the lapdance lounge is something worth discussing.  I'm not going to insult your intelligence or ruin your as of yet un-had first experience by describing it in great detail...but I will give a couple examples of a good dancer vs. a bad one.  Two dancers stand out in my mind as being head and shoulders above the rest. They both gave great lap dances...I tend to drop about $300 bucks on this part, so over the course of those 10 songs or so, they both got really into it. They let me touch, but not inapporpriately (by strip club rules) and they both gave me the sensation that they were enjoying themselves too. And because I have a degree of respect for that, we'll just leave it at that! I don't care if it was a lie, and we'll discuss that momentarily. Suffice it to say, that they are the standard against which all other dancers are judged.  But, two bad dancers also stand out in my mind and those I'll give some detail about.

The first  one was a juicy little latina with looong brown hair and beautiful "tig ole bitties"! But she gave a crap lap dance! I was there during the afternoon and didn't expect a whole lot really, but it's one of the few times I've only taken one song worth of a lapdance. She was just so...un-interested. She sat on my lap and did a little bit of grinding and a little bit of bouncing...and that was it. She didn't even look at me! Now I enjoy a good ass, (and she did have one) but that only goes so far in this situation.  I go to a strip club to satisfy my need for physical attention...but more than that (and I may be WAY weird on this count) I like to play act like we actually like each other. Demonstrate to me a physical intimacy that you don't get from a stranger. I understand it's an understand it's an's one of the most honest relationships I can say I've ever had...We both know you want my money, and everything you do is to get as much of it as possible and I'm fine with that. I'm no catch...that's kinda why I'm here. I want you to lie to me... tell me I'm handsome or cute or whatever. Laugh at my awkward little joke, at least look me in the fuckin eye!  Now the second of the bad dancers I've had...and by far the worst...didn't understand that while I'm willing to buy into the fantasy (literally and figuratively), I'm not stupid. Skinny little white chick had the nerve to tell me, and I quote, "I hope you don't mind that it's (the lapdance) gonna be a bit lopsided! I got bit  by a spider on my butt this morning and it still hurts." ...What The Fuck! Bitch, there's playing out the fantasy and there's telling a bold faced lie. You got an injection of Penicillin cuz the last Penis in was ill! Is it odd that I'm mad at this. Don't get me wrong, you can be a whore if you want to...I don't judge on that! And if you're gonna be a whore, I'd much prefer you get that shot before you go rubbin your cooter all over my pants...but there's certain things I don't like being lied to about. I've watched a lot of porn and I know what that fucking swollen red mark on your ass is, and I'm quite certain that all those women didn't get bitten by spiders on that same part of their asses! You should've had a better plan that telling me a tissue paper thin lie to disguise a fact that makes me think of you as being "diseased" and "un-clean"... like maybe don't come in to work today!

And yes...every strip club DJ sounds the same... I think they graduate from a tech school program designed to teach them how to sound like that...and say shit like "Coming to the mainstage we have KANDI!!!! Kandi on the mainstage!"

Anyway! I think that's about it! So feel free to comment! Share your favorite (or least favorite) strip club stories! Let me know if I missed something or if I was just totally wrong about something! You can also tell me I'm gross or long as you're reading, I'm happy!

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